Whether you got married before your beloved went off to war, married as soon as he returned home, or in your later years, being a Veteran Wife is a feat not taken lightly and takes the deep love of a woman. You have honored your vows in a way most people will never understand. Your marriage may not have been the best, but you did your best. You have dealt with your husbands nightmares, flashbacks, PTSD, health issues, diseases, trauma, abuse, addiction, neglect, sacrifice and sorrow. Perhaps you were lucky and your marriage was not all that bad, you felt undying love and devotion from your husband daily and love each other more and more as the years go on.
No matter your history, there is no denying that war effects everyone right to the core of their soul. It is brought into your home unannounced and unwelcomed. You have put up with so much, felt unimaginable pain, and had moments where I am sure you could do nothing else but exsist.
Hopefully, you have put the war behind you and started to stablize. Afterall, it has been over 50 years ago, a lifetime ago, even if it seems like your man was coming home just yesterday. You have had children and probably even grand children. You carried on with life, attempting to live it as normal as possible, trying to forget "that part" of your life. Hopefully, your spouse has done the same and you both are looking into your Gold Years with peace and tranquility.
But then one day, there is a phone call, an email, a message, a letter, a knock on the door. It is a long lost child claiming your husband as their father. You are filled with utter rage, shock, betrayal, confusion.
How can this be??? My husband swore to me that he was faithful!!
How could he do such a thing??
I don't want that person invading our life! How dare they come to us now!
They lie, those DNA tests are a scam! There must have been a mistake!
They must be after us for money or to get into the country!
I have put up with so much, I will NOT put up with this!
I just want to forget it, ignore it, maybe it will all go away!
Stop for a moment please and take a long, deep breath. Please take some time to step away from the situation, because right now, this is between your husband and his potential child. It is a shock, it is scary, but it is REAL. DNA does not lie. After you have been approached, your reaction will affect another individual for the rest of their entire lives. I can guarantee your husband is just as shocked as you are with a million emotions. All are valid, all are justified.
He may be thinking or saying:
I never thought I would have to live this.
I never thought my secret would be found out.
I don't remember, I was drunk alot.
Maybe if I deny this it will all go away.
They told me I could do what I want and have no reprecussions.
I left that life in that country, I don't want to go back!
But here it is, not going away. Here is a stranger coming into your life, disturbing your bubble. You have every right to be concerned, but you may not be in the correct frame of mind to handle such news.
If it is true, that your husband did have a relationship with one or more women while serving in the military and it produced a child, you could choose to handle the situation with anger, distrust and resentment. Or you could choose a reaction of forgiveness, love and acceptance. After all, you were not over there with him during those long lonely nights under durest, fear, boredom, stress and terror. You do not know what he was told he could or should do. He may have longed to hold you in his arms, but he was forced to be in a country across the globe and needed a few moments of joy to get him by until he could come home to you.
The affects of war are severe and complicated. None of us know how we would be if put in those situations. You say and do things to survive. Although you may be furious with your husband, please remember one very important fact..... IT WAS NOT THE CHILD'S FAULT TO BE IN THIS SITUATION.
Please, do not blame the Amerasian child for reaching out to find their father. Do not chastise the child for longing to know their siblings. Do not interfere with any communication between the child and your husband or other family. If they can prove their biological connection through DNA testing, it is NOT a scam, it is real. Please let your husband decide how he wants to proceed with the news. He may, himself, not want to deal with the relationship or accept it. He may do so out of shame and embarrassment, or fear of upsetting you.
Perhaps you are in support of this news, but he is not. You can be there for him as you always have, supporting him as he navigates through another difficult time in his life. If you support and accept a new offspring that doesn't belong to you, YOU deserve the utmost respect and admiration.
For that, the Amerasian community thanks you eternally.
No matter what your opinion is, or how you feel about finding out that your husband has an Amerasian child, please know that WarBabies.org is here for you too. You can personally reach out to me, I would feel honored to help you navigate through this process as well.